Comic 868 - The Mad lands

16th Jan 2017, 6:01 AM in Spirit of Adventure
The Mad lands
Average Rating: 5 (1 votes)
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Author Notes:

Lackinganame 16th Jan 2017, 6:01 AM edit delete
I got a story for you all, last week was a very trying week.

Monday night my apartment flooded, Thursday morning my last pair of contacts tore, Thursday the internet died.

So come Saturday I got my new pair of contacts and the internet was back so I had to draw binge Saturday and Sunday to make this update. In fact it's 9:00 PM right now and most of my free time over the last two days was spent drawing.

So you better enjoy this update!


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Briken 16th Jan 2017, 6:24 AM edit delete reply
That sucks. /hugs! We appreciate the update though!
Lackinganame 16th Jan 2017, 8:57 AM edit delete reply
Thanks! Readers make the work worth it.
Maryalee 16th Jan 2017, 8:13 AM edit delete reply

I saw weather reports about severe ice storms. What about your apartment? Are you still out of a place to stay?

This page sounds like The Circle of Coin....
Raging Arbiter 16th Jan 2017, 10:29 AM edit delete reply
Circle of life + circle of coin = coin is life?
Ty 16th Jan 2017, 5:02 PM edit delete reply
Ah, I don't want to nitpick after hearing that your life situation isn't the best ((70-80 Spring-like weather where I am...)), but it's about your dialogue...Feel free to ignore this comment if it's too much! It's very long!

In general, the problem with shoveling along information to the characters and the readers, is that it can become, well, a bit long-winded. To me, key indications of this are: run-on sentences, elaborate wording, and the selective use of contractions, to name a few. This "long-winded-ness" often affects NPCs or minor characters who appear and disappear easily in the story, and it is often uniform throughout them. It clashes with other dialogue, namely from familiar faces who have a manner of speaking that has been established, which could be concise or long-winded. -That- long-winded speech has become familiar.

I point this out because I see this often with your NPC dialogue. A recent example is this friendly dwarf! He uses "ya" and "lassie", which I think is a good part of establishing who he is ((and nicely Dwarvish)). Then he uses "as such" at the start of his explanation of the mad lands, and it feels out of place; "so" might have worked better, but that's my preference.

"However" is used next. Most people I speak with use "but" in place of "however", as "but" is more natural to use in everyday conversation. But this "however" clashes with "and that is", rather than a simple "that's" which is such a common contraction that seems odd to me when it isn't used. It might be different with you, however!

Finally, there's another "as such", which worked alright the first time when it appeared as the beginning of the sentence. But now this second one sounds tacked on to a normal conversation, especially in the run-on sentence that it appears in. You could make two sentences from it, or keep it as one:

"This oasis can support a small garrison, so it's become quite the vacation spot for those looking to get away from day-to-day life."
"This oasis can support a small garrison. It's become quite the vacation spot for those looking to get away from day-to-day life."

I understand that contractions aren't used too often in medieval-fantasy or RPG-fantasy genres, but I wanted to mention it because the dwarf uses them selectively rather than sticking to one way. I could be wrong, and it could be his character quirk to be long-winded in explanations and concise in a normal conversation!

If you -did- read all of this nonsense, is this observation too nitpicky? I only want to draw attention to your dialogue so that it can improve like your art!

((Semi-related: I have a -horrible- habit of going into too much detail with descriptions! I can't quite master simplifying easily it yet.))
Lackinganame 16th Jan 2017, 6:18 PM edit delete reply
Understandable, It's a detail I might not address anytime soon as I am more likely to misspell something.

Most of the dialog from NPC's do serve a explanatory purpose so they are more likely to sound like my own mixed speech pattern. Also because the NPC is just mainly there for explanatory purpose a speech pattern and behavior never is given time to develop.

However cast members who we hear from a lot more often is more likely to develop a speech pattern because I am writing so much more dialog for them.

In short the dialog can sound janky because I really am putting little effort into it and am instead looking more at spelling.

(now well I can address this by doing a dialect pass over my text, there does come a point when I need to get things done so some things need to be cut short. However because you brought this up I am more likely to be aware of it from now on.)
Ty 17th Jan 2017, 1:53 PM edit delete reply
NPCs rarely matter, or are made to matter, it's true! You're doing very well with finding spelling mistakes, but there are times that I'll see "your" instead of "you're", and vice versa. Watch out for that!
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